Thursday, June 25, 2015

Art Therapy.

I'm always going through something. Life is always a constant.

I reached out again. I've been seeing a counselor on base. One of the bonuses of military life are the free outreach programs. Of course, they are there because military life can hard sometimes. Being away from family mixed with the many uncertainties and many flip flops of military life. I'm not quite sure where i'd be emotionally if we never became part of the military life. Whether i'd be on a happier path or not. I can't really dwell on that because any form of life will always put you on a turbulent coaster. I really don't have anything else to compare it to as an adult. It's all i've known now since the day I moved out of my parents house. I'm sure civilian life is full of just as much up and downs and unknowns.

The counselor has been really helpful. Definitely enlightening me on some of my personal struggles. Not saying everyday is easier after his help. Nothing changes so easily overnight but I certainly see a difference in my daily perception checks. I don't know how many sessions i get with him. We just had #3 or 4. I went in for stress relief and he took me on a different route a little deeper than I was aiming for but I guess there are roots you have to work at to fix the more outer problems.

In other news, I've gotten into yet another hobby. For some reason Crochet has been put on the back burner since Rob left. It's like he left and my ambition for it went with it. I do still crochet here an there through the week but nothing like I usually do. I know it'll probabl pick back up once life is back to normal when he returns. For now though...i've gotten into...


Most of those I found online (google and pinterest). Just search Free Printable Mandala's. There are tons out there. I also snagged a book at a local craft store. My medium for coloring are colored pencils. Some use water color paints or markers. Markers would be brighter if your going for a bolder look. I may try them in the future. 

Today i've decided that I will try to make my own. I googled a bunch of video's for beginning Mandala drawing and now I want to attempt it. I'll be heading out soon to snag some markers, protractor and pens.

Mandala's are great art therapy. It is a form of meditation when you do them without distractions (ahem..turn off the tv). I listen to music when I'm coloring mine unless i feel music is even to distracting then I just sit in silence and focus on what i'm doing. I find this clears my mind even more than crochet does. Heck...crochet is more a time of mental reflections. I think a lot when i'm crocheting. Something about Mandala's doesn't. Maybe because it takes more concentration? Eitherway this is my point of focus at the moment once kiddo is down for the night. This is what's getting me through the deployment in peace. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

So I haven't posted in a bit. I don't really much to say at this point other than i'm finding it hard to find a middle ground with myself. My mental state is all over.

 I'm overwhelmed with my son but then I realize he's begging me to get off the computer and to put my phone down. He's been doing this a lot recently which just means I spend a lot of time on the computer and on my phone. Not good. I don't have much structure in my day. I found this out when my friends all  listed their daily planners. Housework, kids activities, etc. My rebuttal was that I liked my day open for whatever, to be flexible for random outings and such but now that I think about it I rarely have random outings. And most of the time I like not having plans so I can be lazy.

Laziness has been my foe I think. Laziness just reminds me how lonely I am and how i'm around mannix 24/7. Laziness means my house begins to get messy from lack of cleaning plans and then suddenly one day I freak out and stress because someone's due over and I haven't done dishes for days.

Lack of structure I think has given me more to stress about. Which led to the shingles. I don't exercise regularly or eat well right now. All my friends around me are talking about their healthy meals and their exercising and I have no motivation for any of it. I wake up, have my coffee and whatever for breakfast. Sneak on the computer if Mannix will sit alone and eat his breakfast until he comes and bothers me to get off. Hang out with him in the living room while I sit on my phone and finish my coffee. Maybe play a little with mannix and by then it's approaching lunchtime so I make him something for lunch. Then I get him down for nap. I usually nap. We wake up and it's approaching dinner so I either decide on left overs or a frozen meal. Sometimes we'll slip outside in the evenings just before or just after dinner so I can water my plants and mannix can burn of a little energy. Mannix begs to play and sometimes I do sometimes I tell him to try to occupy himself. and then we come in and have a snack before bed and he watches TV. then we go to bed. And repeat that every day by the 2nd week Rob was gone.

I am in a sad slump and I miss my husband. this is not at all what I had planned while he was gone. I had high hopes of being physical and getting us back onto a better eating schedule (we were eating ok before he left but then I started eatintg worse after he left). Maybe lose a little weight. I had hopes to Start a little learning regime for Mannix during the week. That never happened. I pictured us playing outside everyday. That doesn't happen (in all fairness it's been in the 100's here). But I did not want myself glued to my computer or my phone. and that is exactly what's happening.

I don't quite know how to get out of the rut.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Deployment - Murphy's Law

There is a saying that during a deployment (or remote tour) that if things are going to go wrong they will all during the deployment. When Rob did his remote years ago (the birth of this blog) there were things that seemed to go wrong. Thankfully not intolerable but definitely stressful. The Main issue then were the cars. I kept having car issues. Dead batteries, broken car stuff and all that non-fun expensive shit.  Thankfully I had a great co-worker friends that helped me out that year when I needed it. 

It's been quite a while since Rob has been gone for a long period. Usually it's trips for work that are only a few weeks and then he's back. But of course deployment had to happen so now things are going wonky again. 

The car, OF COURSE, has some stuff going on. Oil change light randomly went on though I was pretty sure I've been up to date on the oil change. The light has pretty much never gone off for me even months after one is due. The gas gauge is starting to get old and not giving accurate readings of where my gas is at. And the passenger door stop broke. Thankfully the door stop is still temporarily functional. There is a metal casing over the metal piece that has worn down with age and broke. I super glued until I can get to the shop for a quote. I just don't use that door now. 

And lastly, at the moment, I have come down with Shingles. The first thing out of everyone's mouth, even the doctor, is 'That's usually something older folks get'. Well perhaps the elderly are more prone because they're older and their immune systems just go with age but really anybody at any age that has previously had Chicken Pox can get it. It's the same virus that lays dormant in your system but you don't get chicken pox twice, instead you get Shingles. Shingles can cause Chicken Pox in people that haven't had it if they come in contact with the open sores but Shingles can't give Shingles. Weird how that works, huh? Shingles is a viral thing. Basically all my stress the last few months (the MS scare, Robs deployment, dealing with an almost 3yr old by myself 24/7) has apparently weakened my immune system and sparked the virus to kick back in. 

I first noticed it after 2 days of itching. A rash started to appear. Right now it's about 2 inches long. I waited a few days to see if it would go away, just assuming it was a bug bite or something. It didn't. and then a few other random dots were showing up not to far from it. I called to make an appt with no luck because the base clinic is always out of appointments. Nurse line wouldn't let me go to urgent care and I didn't feel it was emergency worthy so no ER visit. I called the next day a little more persistent after reading up on Shingles and comparing my symptoms. No appointment randomly opened but this time I insisted with the nurses line that I wanted to rule out Shingles. Magically they had open appointment's that the appointment line didn't have. I was given an appointment first thing that morning that was 20 mins from the phone call. I had to rush butt to the clinic. I made it, thankfully. As soon as the doctor came in and asked my symptoms (I mentioned the random stomach bug that didn't have fever, nor vomiting nor the other unpleasantries) and saw the rash she declared it Shingles. The stomach bug, in fact, was the kick off to the shingles. I'm relieved that we caught it early but i'm not happy to have something that has potential of being an awful thing. This could possibly pass Chicken Pox on to Mannix which will totally suck. 

I'm on an anti-viral medication for a week to hopefully help reduce the severity of it. So far the rash isn't getting larger but it is starting to get uncomfortable at times. I have pain meds but refuse to use them unless seriously necessary. That shit makes me sleepy and I think i'd be more stressed trying to deal with Mannix when i'm half asleep than if I were in a little bit of pain. 

Here's to the deployment curse and hoping it's done with it's crap for the duration of our time alone!

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Saying No

I have a hard time telling people no. I think it's a common problem for most people. We don't want to disappoint and then feel obligated to say yes to things that we maybe don't want to.

Yesterday I was invited to join a friend to go to a petting zoo with her church friends. At first I was thinking all about Mannix. I thought he'd think it was cool. So I said yes. I really didn't feel like going anywhere this weekend and after being sick for nearly a week and had a crazy previous week I just wanted to sit home. I wanted to clean the house and be lazy (are those 2 possible together?).  But then I really started thinking about Mannix. It was going to run through lunch and nap time. Many will criticize moms that stick to a strict schedule. Are there things mom's aren't attacked for as far as raising their kids? But Mannix gets routy when misses his nap time. So I decided it best between my need for laziness and my need to not deal with a hyper and cranky toddler to pull back on my offer to join. She didn't seem phased and I didn't really care lol

So I said No. I felt guilty for saying No until this afternoon. We had a nice lazy day in the house (no cleaning today). We played dinosaurs and watched Charlie Brown again. He had a nice looong nap and I had a nice looong lounge period. We made pita pizza's for dinner and now we are about enjoy them and kick back to probably more toy battles and cartoons.

Saying No pay's off in sanity and relaxation sometimes. to work on staying off Facebook..the never ending personal battle...

Monday, May 18, 2015

Some days.

So I didn't say everyday would be perfect in this journey. Sometimes life just throws you lemons and some of those times you just don't want to make anymore lemonade. 

Last week was a pretty busy week for kiddo and I. Mid week we had a nice play-date with a friend. The following day I busted butt in the kitchen and made another friend 2 home cooked freezer meals because she's been going through some rough stuff (sickness/pregnancy/etc with kids). The next day we attended a free concert event on base with bouncy castles and food. By Saturday I was couch ridden with bad body aches,stomach cramps, chills and hot flashes. The following day I felt drained but mostly better aside from stomach cramps. I figured by today i'd be peachy and could get on with life but this stomach bug has other plans. Now  I have a crazy headache, worse stomach cramps and now nausea. 

I'm doing my best with kiddo but it's rough when you feel like crap and are getting cranky. We hung out outside a chunk of the day yesterday but I think that didn't help my progress. Kiddo is getting stir crazy because I have been relying on electronics and his toys to keep him busy without my help. It's resulted in a lot of scolding needless to say. He gets easily bored and starts harassing the animals, jumping around on the stairs, demolishing the house. 

I'm having a hard time mentally building up to ask for a friends help to take kiddo off my hands fora bit. Partly because I want to act like i have it all together but partly because i'm afraid Mannix will pass on what i've got or something. 

I am also finding it hard to not complain. Via texts and messages to friends or via facebook. It's oh so easy to pick up the phone beside me when I feel like shit or am having a rough moment with kiddo and text my frustrations out to family and friends. But most of these people can't do anything because they're far away. Result? They quit responding to me and my lonesome complaining. 

Today I am frustrated, lonely, impatient, and am praying this bug is completely out the door by tomorrow and that it doesn't pass on to kiddo. 

Please send some healthy vibes my way. I'm trying to be strong but today I can officially say Deployments suck. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015


Oh life. You silly thing.

I cleared out my blog. I wiped clean the junk that i felt was on here from my roller coaster period in my life....pretty much the end of Germany to present.

I realize this year is the year of change. I'm coming to discover things about myself. Nothing that's ever easy or instant. It's perhaps an end to a shitty period in my life. I hate looking back and calling Mannix's first year or 2 crappy but in reality a scary pregnancy, a preemie birth and death of a parent and my awesome's safe to say i can give myself a little break on that one and accept that in a nut shell it WAS  a pretty shitty period for me. Awesome to have Mannix and watch him thrive but shitty for my emotional state.

I've been getting glimpses of  how I felt when I was living in Florida. I feel Florida was a prime time in my life. New marriage, great work, good friends, just an all around great time in my life. And that feeling, which I didn't fully have in Germany because of culture shock, seems to be coming back. I still have some bad days but I feel like sometimes things are getting better deep down.

I read the book 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and I recommend it. I Plan to read it again soon. It's not a fix all book. It's more a book of enlightening you about things about yourself and the way you view yourself. I started her 2nd book Daring Greatly as well but that one's proving to be a little slower read, harder to get into, and watched her 2 ted talks. Brene Brown is the author. In her books and talks she shares many of her personal stories so if you don't like authors first hand experiences then you may not like the book. I did! Because it helped me to relate a lot. She's honest about her experiences which I think is what helps draw her crowd.

Robs deployed. We're almost 1 month down. Yea it happened. We knew it was just a matter of time for him to finally get pulled in for that. Unfortunately, it was a short notice fill in so we only had a short period of time to mentally prepare for it. I just keep myself busy and try not to think about him being in a hostile area. We get to talk to him everyday so far. Video chats as well. Mannix is tolerating it but i'm noticing some occasional anger outbursts that I can't tell are from the awesome 3's or from daddy being gone. If your military with kids I highly recommend Daddy Dolls. Such an awesome thing for kiddo's to help them with a parent or family member gone. Mannix loves his. When we video chat with Rob he makes Rob kiss it and talk to it too lol it's so funny.

I started yoga. With Rob gone I needed something to give me a break from Mannix. I found a friend that was willing to watch Mannix for an hour once a week so I can attend the free yoga class on base. I also found out we get temporary free membership at the Ymca so I might do that too because it's got free child care and I could take a class and help me lose some weight lol. I haven't had the ambition for running or biking since Rob left and being in classes I think will help combat that.

Other than that life is still going on as usual. I'm enjoying our new house. It's nice not panicking about gas leaks. And I have some cool neighbors. And our backyard is awesome. The street also ins't riddled with speeders so Mannix has more freedom to play out front and there's kids here. He plays with the neighbors kids whenever they are out and willing to play with him.

Thats about it right now. Here's to a slow but hopeful change within myself.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Shephards Pie vegetarian style

From The Vegetarian Mothers Cookbook

1 TBSP Olive Oil
1 Onion, Diced
2 Cloves garlic, minced
2 Carrots, diced
2 Cups Cabbage, broccoli, or Kale, finly chopped (i used broccoli this time)
1/2 Cup water, vegetable stock, or Lentil cooking water (I used water but next time I may use veg stock)
2 Cups cooked lentils
1 cup peas (fresh or frozen)
1 cup corn (fresh or frozen)
1 tbsp soy sauce

4 medium potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/3 to 1/2 Cup milk (dairy or non-dairy)
1 table spoon miso ( i don't have miso so I just put a hint of soy sauce in)

Preahead oven to 400 F. Head oil in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Add onion and saute 5 minutes until soft. Stir in garlic, carrots, and cabbage, broccoli or kale. Add water and cover pan. Cook 10 minutes, o runtil filling is hot. Pour filling into 2 quart casserole dish.

While filling cookes, prepare mashed potato crust. Place potatoes in medium pan with water just upto top of potatoes. Bring to a boil and cook over medium heat until potatoes are tender (about 15 minutes). Drain potatoes and treturn them to the pot. Add miso. Begin mashing while adding milk a little at a time until potatoes are smooth. Stir in minced parsley. Spread potatoes evenly over filling. Sprinkle evenly with paprika. Bake uncovered 20 to 30 minutes until potatoes and filling are hot and edges are slightly golden.

Makes 6 servings.

Ok my methods... I used baby carrots since thats what I had on hand. I diced them up. It doesn't mention adding the soy sauce anywhere so I added it once all the veggies were mixed up. Also once the veggies were done cooking I took them off the heat and mixed in the lentils before putting them in the dishes. I added a thick layer of cheese ontop of the veggie mix for Rob portion before putting the potatoes on. I also realized after I started mashing that I had Almond Milk with vanilla flavoring. Oops. Guess I should just start buying the plain incase this happens again. You don't notice it that much as it's the no sugar added version but there is a slight hint of vanilla in the potatoes lol. I didn't tell Rob and he never said anything so obviously it didn't taste bad and Shephards pie is one of his favorite dishes.

I have yet to try it myself. I wasn't hungry by the time I finished it. Rob however, ate every bite of his.

Buster just started pouting at the front door. He is anticipating Rob coming home so I opened the door to show him Rob wasn't there, since he's coming home super late today. Then my nieghbor was coming to his car and turned the alarm off so the lights blinked. I laughed and told him I think my dog thought he was Rob because of the blinking lights. He just half smiled and looked at me like I was crazy. I used to work the dude 2 years ago at the BX so really I don't care what the dude thinks lol. Maybe I am crazy with the way I care for my animals but Buster is a unique breed of dog. That is all I will say lol.

Soooooo I've been craving Chicken lately.  Not fried or greasy chicken. Just simple oven baked chicken. I am wondering if i'm not getting enough protien. I will hold out a little bit longer by trying some protien packed veggie dishes (starting with the shephards pie) but if it doesn't subside then I will do what my body is asking and eat a little bit of chicken. (like half a breast lol....and not the Tyson shit which is like 10x larger than necessary for a chicken breast!).

Rob has already informed me that he plans to incorporate meat back into his diet on occasion. I thought about it for a while as to if I was willing to go back to meat. Red meat doesn't seem to strike my fancy anymore (he was never a big red meat fan anyways) but I think I am willing to do eat fish and chicken with him. I mean I went vegetarian for him lol. He said he wanted to go vegetarian just to get used to eating lots more vegetables and grains. I was a little crushed to hear that he had plans to eventually eat some meat again because i've gotten so absorbed in this vegetarian thing. I'm thinking maybe it's a little of a control thing for me, it's easy to control my eating habits when I can't control other things. Rob's belief is that human body is ment to take in some meat. It is packed with good protiens afterall. But  he thinks the moderations people eat nowadays is way beyond what is necessary. Which I definately I agree. A little at dinner (like the size of a small apple) is alright but to eat it for every single meal...sausage for breakfast, loaded meat sandwich for lunch and then a hunk of steak at dinner is alot. So probably within the next year we'll be changing to Flexitarian. Which isn't bad because i've given thought to it and decided I would eat meat in pregnancy afterall. Being busy people its hard to make nutritious meals day in and day out and to be sure i'm getting proper protien and iron I would eat some meat.

Baby talk corner

Month one officialy down a couple days early. No baby in this neck of the woods. AF came. This would explain my insane moods last week lol. I am definately not moody anymore which is a relief to both Rob and I! Ok so yes I am slightly crushed that it didnt' happen yet but at the same time I truly wasn't expecting anything to come of month one. I'm actually glad AF came. I kept hearing ppl say they went upto a year without it and I worried my body would take a while to readjust.