Wednesday, July 29, 2015

BFF's is just a false dream.

Life's not so simple. I'm starting to go through different emotions about 'dumping' my best friend. Some are justified other's are questionable. The consideration that maybe one day in the future i'll try to reconcile after we've had our space and time to. Then I think of how our last chat went and how her attitude is and i'm pretty confident she would never have a reconciliation years later. She's a serious grudge holder and if anything her feelings would only intensify of how much she hates me or feels I wronged her. I'm sure any meeting face to face in the future, no matter the time frame, she would just want to punch me in the face. I'm flip flopping between feelings of how this is going down and at times I wonder if i'm horribly wrong for cutting it off. Wondering if I really was in the wrong and for some things I know I probably am but in the grand scheme of things I feel I don't know how to be the best friend she's expecting out of me. I feel like i'm treading on water in how i approach my view point of her issues. Many of them if i was honest i'd tell her she's making horrible awful choices in men and in life. Mostly the Men. Those choices have brought her to very shitty situations that have now traumatized her for life. In the past when  I have given a little of my viewpoint she would get pissed off at me and hang up and not speak to me for a while. And it never seemed to sink in to her. So I stopped that. We just have become to different that we don't understand each other anymore in my opinion. And I feel the break up was necessary for us to stop dreaming of a fake relationship of Best friends forever.

But then theirs the little glimmer of her good moments. Our fun times. How we used to confide in each other about all our crap. We really were best friends for a while. But we both changed whether we like to admit or not. And sometimes (most times) relationships can't always handle change. People like to think they're all adaptable to any situation life throws them but in reality that takes a lot of giving, understanding and forgiveness to weather a change in someone close to you.

I'm reading a book called Best Friends Forever: Surviving a break up with your best friend . Who even knew such a book needed to be written? I didn't think i'd find one but guess what? It's something that happens enough that it was  needed! According to the book society paints this false image for girls from a young age of 'Best Friends Forever'. That if your close enough with your best friend that no matter life's circumstances you can make it last forever. This is a horrible and false expectation for girls/women. The Truth is majority of best friendships end eventually. For various reasons but that more than half of people end up parting way's. I'm almost halfway through the book and most of it is just stories from other people and how their friendships came to an end but it definitely gives insight that while it horribly affects us to lose a good friend it's normal. We shouldn't hang on the expectation's society set for us as kid that BFF's will always be there for us.

So we'll see what this next chapter in life brings for each of us (though I think this chapter started a while ago because we pretty much never talked anymore anyways).

Monday, July 20, 2015

Chore scattered brain.

I sat down to make my list of chores that will eventually be divided into the 3x5 cards. My brain gets all scattered and side tracked in this process. I first started by just listing down all the chores I could think of off the top of my head. I didn't get to far before I decided I would consider the time length of those chores and how frequently I want them done. I never got the list finished. Then I thought I would start over and make a sheet for every room. But then that got overwhelming and I didn't start it.

So here I sit. Pretty much doing what this book is trying to break me of lol The sidetracked aspect. From reviews I hear this is the hardest step to the process. Listing and sorting the chores. Once the cards are made it's much easier to modify the process. You do it for a bit as you made it then adjust as needed as to wether some chores really aren't needed as often or some are needed more often etc. Once a chore has become a habit, more so the daily cards, they can be tossed because you do them without thinking about having to do them.

So right now, I might take a little break and come  back to it later this week. My mom arrives wednesday so i'm sure once Kiddo gets used to her i'll be able to get a break to clear my head and start fresh.

~~

Today I mail the letter to my friend. I ended up tearing open the package and re-reading my letter. I was having doubts about sending it. I started wondering if it was coming off as accusatory and I didn't want that. I didn't to be sending a letter point the finger at her. I just wanted to express my point without blame. I read it to my mom and she felt it was an appropriate letter free of blame. So I will repackage it all and mail it off when the post office opens today.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Goodbye Letter

It's probably a pointless thing to do but it's my closure. I wrote my friend a goodbye letter and rounded up all the old photo's I had of her, minus 2 or 3 for memory sake, and put it in an envelope to mail tomorrow. I'm pretty confident she will either not open it and toss or open it, read it, destroy it and the picture and fume for the rest of her life. But I felt better writing it. I think most would tell me to just drop it at this point and not bother even sending it but I guess i want a last word and mailing a letter will be the only way that will happen. I dont plan to respond to any messages she tries to send me online and wont answer her phone calls or texts which i'm sure will ensue after she gets the letter.

The Letter

D-
      I hope in time you find peace and not hold your past against yourself forever. whether you feel someone has wronged you or set you up for failure you  have to learn to let it go. Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. You deserve to set your sights high and reach your goals. You don't deserve to settle for anything less.

     I'm sorry you felt I was no longer a good or supportive friend to you. I cannot apologize for getting married, moving away and having a kid. Nobody is perfect at friendship and i'm sure I have done my fair share of crappy things to you and I apologize for them. But you can't hold my actions, past or present, as a permanent excuse in your life. Everybody is wronged by somebody in life. Learning to let go, forgive, and move past those things is important to not letting life drag you down.

     I feel we have reached our limit in this friendship and by your demeaning facebook letter you feel the same. So i think it's fair to say please don't contact me anymore. I the same to you. I wish you the best in life and hope things work themselves out for you.

                                                                                          -K

(i then added a quote I printed up)

“The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” 
― Charles R. Swindoll

In a nutshell though I don't think she will read the letter the way I wrote it. She has a scewed perception and she will just think this letter is me in denial of something or other and me putting her down or something.

Reaching out and getting therapy/counseling is worth it. It made me realize whats important in life and my limits as to what I can offer other people and some people just aren't worth giving your energy to when all they do is turn that energy into something negative against yourself. I really wish she would seek help but I don't believe she will. I don't think she could ever accept what one would reveal about herself.

The quote she put up on her FB after the spat (which she initially blocked me so I woudln't respond to  her FB message...sad...) is this: "A Confident woman, A Woman who truly knows her worth and her power is a force to be reckoned with." She lives her life on the defensive and ready to fight about  anything. That's what I get from that quote. Instead of embracing and letting go of something she is just ready to defend and fight. I think that is where we differ greatly. I am not a fighter or arguer. I would rather be in peace. I would rather sit and learn to embrace and let go of an issue rather than sit and cling to it and waste my energy ready to fight over it.

And with that i'm done with her. It's sad but needed. She is nothing good in my life anymore and i've exhausted myself trying to be there for her. She doesn't see me being there for her which shows me we are just not at the same level with each other anymore. She is expecting something from people in her life that isn't there in those people. I dont think anyone can give her what she's expecting. I'm done wasting my time and energy on her problems. The End.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

When Friendship blows

I met my best friend in high school. She moved to my town when she was younger from New York. She had the new york accent and all, which over the years slowly faded a tad. She had the feisty New Yorker attitude and didn't put up with bull shit. We were best friends for years. We did go through our phases where we'd fight and stop talking for a while and do our own thing. Then get back together and pick up where we left off before the disagreement.

But once I met the Mr. things changed. We started drifting apart as i was preoccupied by him and she was upset by my distraction and attention to him. Not saying I was always a great friend. We are all human and subject to our personalities and faults. I married and moved away. We still talked via phone almost daily or weekly for the first year. Then she started going her own way in life and that slowed. Each year the time between our chats was fading and our differences growing. Her choices in life always sort of seemed very different from mine. The types of guys she was after, her approach to  certain situations and so forth. Not that either of our ways of going about life was any better than the other..they were just different. They fit our individual lives. I admit that I did frown upon some of her's because in my mind I couldn't see how her choices were the smart choices out of the bunch. But they were her's and I accepted that. I didn't like to throw in my 2 cents to often because she wouldn't have liked it anyways so often sat back and watched her slowly destruct her life. Things got really bad the last 2 or 3 years. I won't go into detail because I don't feel that fair as it's solely my perspective and as we haven't been around each other for the last 10yrs I don't know every detail of what drove her to do what she's chosen to do with herself.

But I feel she expected me at times to be there for her when I couldn't be. I admit when she had her car accident I should have made more effort to save up for tickets to fly home and see her. But I called her often to talk. Thing is life through phone calls is very different from life in person. Her choices in men I could never understand either. She picked men that were repeated cheaters, men with wives or girlfriends that were still in the picture though said to be 'separated'. She doesn't believe in sexual protection and this has cost her the possibility of ever carrying a child. She now has a police record and she relies on living with other people because she has just made choices that have not allowed to her prosper in life in the way's she's hoped for.

We hadn't talked a good talk in years. She was in her battle and no matter how hard I tried from the distance to keep in touch it just didn't work out. Changed numbers often, unanswered phone calls or texts. I tried. Her mom reached out to me. I reached out to her mom. She hated her mom. Once she began to come around again for some reason she didn't see the attempts. She only saw that I wasn't there. She didn't realize it was because she never allowed me to be there. We made amends and called it all good. I thought things were in good shape with our friendship at this point. Though very different from where we were before I got married.

One day she informed me (and all her friends) of the pyramid make up company she just joined to sell for. I showed interest. She said she would call to discuss it. I told her a different time would be more suitable. This flipped some sort of switch in her and she went off on me like no other via FB messages. I tried to call her at this time to discuss it over phone but she wouldn't answer. She just sent me the most ravenous mean messages she could fathom. Even if it made total no sense. In her brain it made perfect sense. In my brain all I saw was a woman that would not hear any sort of outside perspective. 'No the ocean doesn't hold water, No the Up isn't the opposite of down' kind of denial. Everything she was yelling at about sounded like everything she was in denial about with herself. The message was 100% projection onto me of her problems. Word for word.

I was to shocked at her outburst that it didn't even hurt my feelings. It still doesn't when I go back through and read it because what she's accusing me of makes no sense to me. If she really believes this about me than we are on 2 different planets as far as how we perceive our friendship. When I read the message I just want to hug her and tell her she needs a therapist. She needs help that she can't get from friends or family. She's a broken person and she blames it solely on everybody in her life except herself.

In the end she blocked me from being  able to respond to her. Which is probably for the better because if I went on to stand up for myself it would have made no difference as she isn't open for what anybody other than herself has to say. Everybody else is wrong and stupid. I felt bad but after coming to terms with this I accept our friendship as being full over. I blocked her mom as well and don't plan to answer her mom's calls or texts. That might be cold but it is just to hard for me to keep in touch with her mom because she always asks me to not give up on Desi. I will miss the and the old Desi immensily but I cannot live my life hanging on a limb for someone that treats me this way without being willing to bend a little either. She is rigid and torn and nothing I do will help her. I've tried for years and it just isn't going to happen. It's going to take her coming to terms with her demons and learning to move on a better direction in life. That it's nobodies fault but her own for the way things have turned out for her.

Sometimes Friendship just blows.


Organization

Talk about gaps in blogging. Guess this point in time life is just a bit to much to keep up with it lol.

The Mr has been gone for a few months now. I'd say it took until beginning of month 3 for me to finally feel acclimated to the change of being by myself with kiddo. I wasn't expecting it to take that long and I wasn't expecting such a mental roller coaster. I knew things would be different but I thought it would be an easier adjustment than it is. Military Family Life Counseling is a great resource and it's what got me through that rough patch. I recommend it to any military families that are having some rough moments in life. Especially deployments and such. The counselors are used to these situations and know how to guide you. It's a free resource and no matter what you see them for (they vary from divorce counseling, deployment counseling, children behavioral problems and suicide prevention...as well as a bit more) they don't keep records so it never goes in your file to be used against you. I say that because for military spouses if they utilize mental health that is on record, especially depression, it can limit the duty stations the active duty can be stationed at. Highly limiting overseas stations because they don't have the resources at all bases to accommodate some of the mental health or medical issues. Even if you've over come your mental health battle I think they consider the possibility you may require it in the future as well. No guaranteed facts on that but i know some people who were denied overseas orders because they had a mental health visit on their records. Which is total hogwash because some spouses i know don't get help so they aren't a burden on their spouses career path. 

In other news, my mom is coming to visit in a few days!! We had to dish out the money for tickets but she is coming! It will be so nice to have another adult in the house. Someone to converse with and not feel alone. She will be here for a few weeks. Hopefully in that time we'll get word on when the Mr is coming back. He won't be back while she's here but it will definitely help the time go by for a while! She hasn't seen Mannix since he was 1. She'll be here for his birthday! 

In the course of this adjustment period a lot has happened. I learned to ease up on housework. Really I let the house go a bit. Not to terrible but enough that i cringe when I wake up in the mornings. I considered giving FlyLady.net another shot but the morning after I signed up I had a full inbox just of Fly Lady emails. It's changed from when I first gave it a try. All the emails were a waste to my inbox. It was all testimonials for her products (what makes her shit different from the stuff at the store aside from the Fly Lady label?) and advertisement for her products. It was extremely annoying and in less than 24hrs from signing up I unsubscribed again. Not going there. To much mental chaos on that sight now for me. 

After some digging about fly Lady I found that her method was a branch off from an 80's home cleaning method developed by 2 house wives. The Sidetracked Business Executives. Yes sounds goofy but after looking it up found their method actually struck my interest. It sounded like something that was actually doable for my mentality. Simply writing a list of chores to be checked off doesn't cut it for me. I'll just walk past the list and ignore it. Their method is via index card that you divide up the chores. In a nutshell this... http://www.teachingmom.com/helps/SHEplan.pdf
Now that can be adapted to whatever suites your style. I got the book to get the full details of the method. Some say it's a cheesy but effective book. I have related to pretty much everything they talk about so far lol and it's been giving me a childhood flash back lol. For me though I don't quite feel 31 days worth of dividers is necessary. What happens when you hit the months with 28/29 or 30 days in it? How do you then delegate the chores you put in the day 30 and 31 slots? So I will probably just  make days of the week dividers to replace the days of the month. They say to read the whole book before starting the process of creating you box but i may not do this.

This is what I have so far. I'll keep you posted once i've created everything: 

In other cleaning news..i took this deployment as a kick in the butt to get our garage organized. Mainly all the bike's and wheels. Took a bit of planning and procrastination but I finished it.



I'll leave you here for the day. But keeping busy is one key to getting through Deployments. Just saying. 


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Art Therapy.

I'm always going through something. Life is always a constant.

I reached out again. I've been seeing a counselor on base. One of the bonuses of military life are the free outreach programs. Of course, they are there because military life can hard sometimes. Being away from family mixed with the many uncertainties and many flip flops of military life. I'm not quite sure where i'd be emotionally if we never became part of the military life. Whether i'd be on a happier path or not. I can't really dwell on that because any form of life will always put you on a turbulent coaster. I really don't have anything else to compare it to as an adult. It's all i've known now since the day I moved out of my parents house. I'm sure civilian life is full of just as much up and downs and unknowns.

The counselor has been really helpful. Definitely enlightening me on some of my personal struggles. Not saying everyday is easier after his help. Nothing changes so easily overnight but I certainly see a difference in my daily perception checks. I don't know how many sessions i get with him. We just had #3 or 4. I went in for stress relief and he took me on a different route a little deeper than I was aiming for but I guess there are roots you have to work at to fix the more outer problems.

In other news, I've gotten into yet another hobby. For some reason Crochet has been put on the back burner since Rob left. It's like he left and my ambition for it went with it. I do still crochet here an there through the week but nothing like I usually do. I know it'll probabl pick back up once life is back to normal when he returns. For now though...i've gotten into...



Mandala's!

Most of those I found online (google and pinterest). Just search Free Printable Mandala's. There are tons out there. I also snagged a book at a local craft store. My medium for coloring are colored pencils. Some use water color paints or markers. Markers would be brighter if your going for a bolder look. I may try them in the future. 

Today i've decided that I will try to make my own. I googled a bunch of video's for beginning Mandala drawing and now I want to attempt it. I'll be heading out soon to snag some markers, protractor and pens.

Mandala's are great art therapy. It is a form of meditation when you do them without distractions (ahem..turn off the tv). I listen to music when I'm coloring mine unless i feel music is even to distracting then I just sit in silence and focus on what i'm doing. I find this clears my mind even more than crochet does. Heck...crochet is more a time of mental reflections. I think a lot when i'm crocheting. Something about Mandala's doesn't. Maybe because it takes more concentration? Eitherway this is my point of focus at the moment once kiddo is down for the night. This is what's getting me through the deployment in peace. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

So I haven't posted in a bit. I don't really much to say at this point other than i'm finding it hard to find a middle ground with myself. My mental state is all over.

 I'm overwhelmed with my son but then I realize he's begging me to get off the computer and to put my phone down. He's been doing this a lot recently which just means I spend a lot of time on the computer and on my phone. Not good. I don't have much structure in my day. I found this out when my friends all  listed their daily planners. Housework, kids activities, etc. My rebuttal was that I liked my day open for whatever, to be flexible for random outings and such but now that I think about it I rarely have random outings. And most of the time I like not having plans so I can be lazy.

Laziness has been my foe I think. Laziness just reminds me how lonely I am and how i'm around mannix 24/7. Laziness means my house begins to get messy from lack of cleaning plans and then suddenly one day I freak out and stress because someone's due over and I haven't done dishes for days.

Lack of structure I think has given me more to stress about. Which led to the shingles. I don't exercise regularly or eat well right now. All my friends around me are talking about their healthy meals and their exercising and I have no motivation for any of it. I wake up, have my coffee and whatever for breakfast. Sneak on the computer if Mannix will sit alone and eat his breakfast until he comes and bothers me to get off. Hang out with him in the living room while I sit on my phone and finish my coffee. Maybe play a little with mannix and by then it's approaching lunchtime so I make him something for lunch. Then I get him down for nap. I usually nap. We wake up and it's approaching dinner so I either decide on left overs or a frozen meal. Sometimes we'll slip outside in the evenings just before or just after dinner so I can water my plants and mannix can burn of a little energy. Mannix begs to play and sometimes I do sometimes I tell him to try to occupy himself. and then we come in and have a snack before bed and he watches TV. then we go to bed. And repeat that every day by the 2nd week Rob was gone.

I am in a sad slump and I miss my husband. this is not at all what I had planned while he was gone. I had high hopes of being physical and getting us back onto a better eating schedule (we were eating ok before he left but then I started eatintg worse after he left). Maybe lose a little weight. I had hopes to Start a little learning regime for Mannix during the week. That never happened. I pictured us playing outside everyday. That doesn't happen (in all fairness it's been in the 100's here). But I did not want myself glued to my computer or my phone. and that is exactly what's happening.

I don't quite know how to get out of the rut.