Thursday, January 21, 2016

I realize I leave nothing for myself anymore. Since the coming of social media sites and being in constant contact with friends with the touch of a button that it's easy to share everything that is going on in your day whenever and wherever with whomever.

I find that I don't keep anything to myself. I get pumped about things and instantly share them with people. I make goals and get so excited about them that I feel the need to share them but then when things happen and those goals aren't reached or they aren't reached how I thought they would be then i'm lefting feeling very very less than par. I told people how awesome I thought i'd be and then I didn't live up to it. Doesn't matter that they could care less, it's a matter of I put the expectation out there, outside of myself and it didn't happen.

And when I do reach things I share them right away. I don't just sit on them and indulge in my awesomeness. I share them and then realize people don't really care about your goals. Sure some will act surprised or happy/excited for you but it's all so fake. They could care less about your goals. It's more that I need to learn to just be happy with myself. I guess lately I feel I can't be happy with something I've done or completed unless i'm sharing it with others. The others that don't really care. And then i'm left feeling pretty bummed about it all in the end despite the awesome things I really have done.

I have such a deep deep urge or need to pull away. I just want to not socialize anymore. I wanted so badly for so long to feel like I had friends. But it turned out not being what I thought it was. I still enjoy the close friend or 2 that I keep in touch with but not the constant need for get togethers. But I think even the close friends I need to take a step back and reassess who I am as a person. I find I get to comfortable and just let it all out and find i'm being an annoying complainer or just so self absorbed in my talking. I feel like I just don't have it in me to be there for others right now. Especialy when I can't even be there for myself.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Beating the self-doubt

I have set my sights high for 2016. Not resolutions but just goals that will better myself.

-Finish a Sprint Triathlon
-Go back to Massage school

I was super pumped starting out. I've begun looking into groups I can learn from for the Triathlon knowledge and trying to decipher training terms/methods. But then the confusion comes in at where to start, how do I know i'm doing technique correctly so I don't injure myself, how do I fit these workouts in around kid/husbands work/any other things that can interfere with a schedule.

Then I start thinking is this even doable? Right now i'm confused as hell when it comes to training specifics. I don't even know the distance of the pool i'll be using so I don't know if I should break the workouts down to fit a 25 or 50 meter pool distance. How will I remember the different sets to a workout and keep track of where i'm at in the workout since i'm pretty forgetful. And then the Mr is sick. Me getting out means leaving kiddo with him but I feel bad doing that when he's sick and just wants to rest and take a break from everything.

Going back to massage school. I got a text book and have begun reading through it to get me understand terms basics of massage. I want to be informed before I go to school so i'm not starting blindly again. But then the worry of finances. How will I afford it. Rob doesn't want to take a loan out but I worry we won't be able to foot the bill from paycheck to paycheck unless we learn to be very savvy and tight with our cash, which we usually are  to lax and spend to freely/on a whim. And then child care. I have a hard time with the idea of putting mannix in day care (let alone the cost of that ontop of school costs). I will have to find a sitter I trust and that is reliable. We can work around Robs schedule to a point but it's the military and you  have to have back ups in place. He could go tdy or deploy at any moment or have a shift change despite him saying they will work around my schedule. I know the military can do whatever the hell they please and him saying he will just lay his foot down on schedule means nothings to me. Then all the outside of school/home training hours i'll need. It's beginning to give me a head ache.

I'm have such self-doubt in it all. I know I can post pone the triathlon training by just choosing a different triathlon later in the year. But then if I start to do that I'll probably just keep post poning actually doing one. School has to get done eventually otherwise i'll just worry myself into giving up on the idea. The time hasn't even come for either for me to fully decide if either are doable yet. I feel like i'm doubting to early in both processes.

I give up to easy when things look hard. I  have to learn to hold on to my sights and start figuring out how to navigate the hard parts.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

It has been decided

I will go back to massage school.

It's taking courage to come to this conclusion. I have been afraid of failing ever since I quit school almost 12 years ago. I have lost all I had learned. I sold all my books and my equipment. I have dwindled out of the healthy lifestyle, knowledge and drive I had built while in school. I had the opportunity to pick back up when I first moved to Florida. A school offered me a fabulous opportunity when I had inquired about transferring to them but I was lazy and scared of picking myself back up and continuing again. They were willing to transfer most of my course experience which other school wouldn't.

I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am afraid of a lot of things. But most of that fear is being afraid of if I can or can't succeed. I'm afraid of failure but perhaps also afraid of what would come with succeeding. Responsibility of being in charge of someone else's health. Finishing school and being told by clients I suck and am not a good massage therapist. And then competing for a position among the working force.

It's all scary because I know nothing about it. but that's life. That's life after school. Nobody is great from the beginning. The scary experiences are what make us better in our work and I have to remind myself that so I don't stop myself short again from the potential I most likely have.

I am not going to tell many people about it until I have chosen a school and applied. I need to figure out finances since I don't work anymore. Rob does not want to take out a loan so it would be paid just straight up out of pocket the whole time. So with that it won't happen for at least a year. In that year I will rebuild some of my knowledge in the field again (all the various forms of massage therapy, which route I would like to go) and work on setting myself up back on the path I was on before I fell off (get back into yoga, aroma therapy, find peace within myself and practicing meditation again and sticking with all the of it and really believing in all the benefits again). I flopped big time. When I failed that round by quitting I let go of all my beliefs in it. I really flopped. I wasn't really one that believed in the Chakra aspect of it all but I can at least gain the knowledge in it again.

It will be an interesting year but I will get myself back on track.

I will also be choosing a triathlon and working towards it this next year as well.

Friday, December 11, 2015

I have been questioning a lot about myself lately. Perhaps events are emerging that are a result of the person I've been and it's coming back around at me at a high rate. Basically forcing me to question what it is I've done to deserve some of it. I need to make big changes with myself. Either that I need to change my perspective in life or change my character. I think it's both.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Today i'm getting a crown. So not enjoyable. I sort of put it off. I was in last week for another thing and the doc asked if I wanted it fixed at the same time (2 different areas of the mouth). I opted for a different appointment. Procrastination all the way! Want me to be honest? I just wanted another on the laughing gas. Ok no not really. Being dopped up isn't exactly a thrill for me. But neither is being drilled in the mouth. I chipped a tooth over the holiday weekend and because there isn't much of that tooth left after fillings I have to get a crown put on it. I'm nervous as all hell because that tooth has been sensative for me since the last denstist did his magic at pretty much destroying any tooth left. Or maybe it was pregnancy since pregnancy kills teeth for some reason.

Eitherway, I have to go in an hour and a half from now and get more dental work done. It seems that all i've had since living here. Dental work after dental work. My family does not have a good line healthy teeth. Even the family that is very religious about daily dental hygiene come out of it in my same boat. We are just cursed with bad teeth. My mouth is going to be crowns. All crowns soon. :/ But this dentist does laughing gas. I haven't had that stuff since I was kid. He used when he cleaned up the gums around my 2 front teeth (fell on ice and snapped them in half at the gum line. Root canals and crowns later the gums have been inflamed for about 13 yrs now). I have a bit of anxiety with those teeth more than any other teeth in my mouth. Gotta say...the stuff helped. Kinda pricey but maybe that extra cash is worth it for an easier dental appointment lol.

In crochet news, i've been busting butt to get christmas gifts done again. It seems when it comes to christmas presents I think of random gives weeks before christmas when it's nearly to late to even get started. Then I stress about finishing in enough time. I think next year i'm not making anything unless it's specifically requested and even then I need to be honest if it's something I really can't get done that fast. But this year item's are pretty small and quick to make. Despite hating making hats I also like making hats. Hats are a love hate project for me but I enjoy the outcome and thus I always push through in hopes one day i'll get the right pattern down that makes me enjoy making them.

I've downed my coffee consumption greatly. First I tried cold turkey but after drinking multiple cups a day that was a bad idea and made me a zombie. So now i'm down to a tiny tea cup of coffee in the morning. I need to reset my coffee tolerance. Despite those multiple cups of coffee in the day I was not getting the effect from caffeine as I should be anymore.

I had a very down day yesterday. Part of me is wonder if I should see someone again because it's starting to cause some issues elsewhere in my life but i'm just sick of seeing people. I do not want to be diagnosed with depression and then get thrown pills to make me a numb zombie in life. I know my mom has had depression her whole life and takes medication when needed. Not sure if anybody else in the family was diagnosed with it or not. I do questions if one of my brothers has it based on some things i've seen. Depression isn't really something most people are open about. It always comes in waves. Lasts a few weeks then I start to feel happy again for a bit then it's back to the down moods again. It's like everything is clouded in grey when i have the moods. You can't see enjoyment in anything and everything makes me cry and I have low tolerance for anything and I just feel like running away or disappearing while i'm in the moods until I feel happy again and then just reinserting myself back into life around me so I don't get everybody around me down as well.  I really don't know how to explain it but it's not fun. And the most annoying thing when your in those moods is having people tell you to just pull out of it. Just do something you like. Just be happy. God if people only realized how much worse that makes a person feel. It's not something we can just snap our fingers and get over because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable. As much as I would love to just snap out of the moods, because really who the hell enjoys that shit, it's just not that as easy as flipping a switch.

Anywho. More later. Now to dentist :quiver:

Monday, November 16, 2015

The days have been hard. Right now i'm dealing with the guilt side of mourning. Asking myself all the stupid questions but top being what if's. What if there was a misdiagnoses and something else was wrong with him that was fixable that would have been detected by a second opinion. What if I had chose to bring him home for one more night before putting him down. What if i had waited to make the decision until we spoke to his normal vet again..maybe he could have changed diuretics that would have worked the 2nd time around. What if I had chosen to stay with him while he passed. What if the vet didn't give the sedative because I wasn't there to witness it.

I feel guilt for not allowing my family to give him a formal good bye. I brought him but most certainly wasn't expecting that to be the day I made the decision. Rob is a little upset taht he never got to formally say goodbye but if I had chosen to bring him home for one more night I know I would have spent the night just crying over him and that wouldn't have been fair to him. One more day would have just been for us not him.

I feel guilt because I felt I made to quick a decision. But in reality I had been weighing the fact since the day he was diagnosed with CHF and then even more when he had his belly drained. In the end if the meds didn't work I didn't feel it was fair to him.

I hate the guilt part of mourning. And it's hanging heavy the last few days.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

All the firsts to follow

Not only does an owner have to come to terms agreeing to have their pet killed humanely but then there are all the questions that pop up in your mind after it's been done and then having to get used to all the daily routines without that pet. I've had to catch myself so many times the last 2 days just from 11 years of habit with him. 

In my mind the questions that are nagging me that I know are to late and I can't keep thinking about them anymore are was did he go peacefully or was in any kind of pain or heartache that I opted to not sit in on it with him. I told them I wanted him sedated before the shot and she told me she did that. She walked in adn showed me the sedative but I didn't actually watch her administer. I believe she did though. I wish now that I would have at least been there while they sedated him. And perhaps left once he was sedated. And then the question of was the sedative enough to not make him fear what was happening to him or feel the pain of his heart stopping. These kinds of questions are terrible questions to keep falling back to because they are questions i will never have the ability to answer or do differently. 

All I can accept now is that he is no longer having to deal with the discomforts he had anymore and that he never had to experience the worst symptoms that were eventually to come. He still had some joy left in him and I think that's more fair to an animal than opting to wait until until they have hit a bit a point of such discomfort that you are forced to put them down due to inability to function anymore. I guess this makes me pro-animal. 

But the routine of waking up and listening to be sure he was breathing..yes I was at this stage with him and yet I guess I was just naive and in denial. I kept telling myself it was apnea and humans get apnea and are fine. His was much more than just an apnea. He was waking up or me forcing him awake gasping for breath and trying to catch up with breathing almost repeatedly in the night. 

The routine of regular potty breaks, regular feeds, regular petting and walks and play. Just a general habit of turning around and there he was. The habit of not having to vacuum everything up after eating or snacking because he was our little vacuum. The habit of breaking up some of our foods and slipping them to him. Passing the dog food aisle in the store. Baths. Picking up after them. Worry about having to make a stop home to be sure he can go outside potty. The habit of making sure he's in the room before closing a door. the nagging of keeping him away from the cat littler or from sniffing cat butts or from eating rabbit turds outside. 

I miss watching him being alert and barking happily at sounds outside. Or getting exciting if the kids would play ball. I miss his freak out runs around the yard. I miss how he used to curl up on my lap when i'd get comfortable on the couch or how he'd dig around at the bed comforter making it into a nest and getting cozy in it. 

He really wasn't into that stuff anymore and I didn't see it until now.  We just don't always pick up those changes when they are slow at changing. he was still alert and following us around the house and begging for our food but aside from that he was just living. He lost interest in the fun things for himself.