Thursday, September 4, 2014

The End.

After a short break I have come to the conclusion i'm done blogging. My life is not in a place I have the time or care to blog anymore. When I do it's rants about useless petty things in my life and it makes me look bad. I'm not sure if I will ever be the blogger I was when I started this thing in 2008. To much has happened in life and I have a toddler that keeps me busy and i'm not one of those fancy mom bloggers that can do it all (pinterest fancy, cook gourmet meals, create fancy things for my viewers to oggle over).

 I do not have viewers which is a clear cut sign that things in the hole. I wasn't looking for an epic audience but I figured aside from using this as a place to share my little journeys and odds and ends that some would flock to it with interest or in relation but they haven't and it has turned into a venting spot for my gloom  or self pitying days.

So, it's time to stop being a whiny mommy and get off this thing once and for all and tend to my life and the area's that need some attention (my mentality, my child, my husband) and just over all growing into the new person I am since having a child and losing a parent.

Best of luck to any readers out there that do happen to follow.

Ps I cut the shit out of my hair. Yes i'm starting to delve into things that i've been afraid of doing.  One being I was always afraid to cut my hair short. Toodles and happy blogging!

Monday, August 11, 2014

11 Aug

Lives change. Sometimes there are to many events that happen and it can't be avoided. I have been battling on and off for a while now with prospect of letting go of my best friend. Honestly, we aren't best friends anymore. Far from it. I know nothing about her life and while she may think she's know mine she doesn't. She has made it clear, i'm assuming unintentionally, that she has moved on and perhaps wants to let go.

Since her abortion her friendship towards me has gone to complete trash once I got pregnant. This has made me feel guilty since her mother informed me how jealous she was of my life. We shouldn't be jealous of each other! That was a very personal choice for her and she fed into other's and let them make the decision for her and it's a decision she has regretted deeply. I can't be blamed for that because I had a child of my own. All lives pan out differently, we can't be the same. Maybe if I our lives were reversed my views may be different but they aren't and I have to accept how things are the way they are. I shouldn't feel guilty for the life I have. I have a wonder life (aside from my whack moods! lol). No life is perfect so of course there will be tough times to get through but generally things are great.

She has come down on me in the past for never being there for her. But recently i've looked back and she has made it to difficult to impossible for me to be there. The last few months she's had 3 or 4 number changes and has never come to me to tell me about them. So i'm left hanging constantly calling and texting with no response. Her mother steps in randomly to inform me of the latest with her and thats usually when I find out the numbers have changed. I get a few words once responding to the new number and then nothing again. She doesn't want me there. She clearly doesn't feel comfortable with me anymore. lAnd her life and life choices boggle my mind. We think differently and have extremely different views. That has made it difficult for me to relate and I find myself thinking she keeps making aweful choices. Friends shouldn't judge each other but come on, even the closest of friends have their unspoken view's of each other sometimes. Even if you don't blurt them out to anybody we all have opinions.

I truly hope her life gets better for her. But if she continues on with the same choices over and over her life will never change. I've grown and i've changed and you can only make so many attempts to keep the flame going in a friendship but it takes 2 make a friendship work and she's just not there anymore in this friendship. I am sick of feeling as if i've done something wrong. She's openly made me feel guilty for moving away and getting married. Why on earth would you make a friend feel that way?? And i'm sick of watching her make her repeated choices and getting the same end result every...single...time. Maybe i'm a bitch now but i'm sick of reaching out and repeatedly getting denied. AugA

Saturday, August 9, 2014

9 Aug

The kid is a beast. A defiant one. Since Rob has been gone he fights naps pretty hardcore. He usually battles it for an hour. I have a time range I want him to lay down and i'm not budging on it otherwise he'd sleep to long and be up to late. So I lay him down around 1 or 2. For a kid that wakes up around 4-5am I think that's a reasonable time for a nap.

Yesterday I had laid him down. After a short struggle of going in repeatedly to lay him down he finally got quiet so I figured he was falling asleep. I crawled into bed to read. A little while later I hear him call out 'mama'. So I start to get up to tell him to lay back down again. But as i'm getting up I hear him cry hardcore so I run. He was getting up off the floor. Yes. He climbed the crib and was probably calling because he was either proud of himself or he was afraid of where he was on the side of the crib and then just fell. He must have fallen on his head because he kept pointing to his forehead. But thankfully we have carpet so the fall wasn't to bad.

After talking with the Mr about this round of crib falling we decide it's time to accept we're in the next stage and start securing his room and getting rid of his crib. Wish this happened when Rob was home but of course life doesn't work that way and always happens at the inconvenient times.

So today I put together a fish tank stand to move the tank to the spare room. I listed his changing table for sale and took it out of the room. Today i'm going to clean the tank and move it out, secure the dresser to the wall with the straps and if I have time take apart his crib and move it out of the room as well. I listed that for sale as well but because I can't fit it in my car i'm limited on who I can sell to (base only and to someone that can pick it up). I'm hoping they sell fast because I Have no space for them but I don't see cribs selling fast on base :( I may try to see if I can work it into the trunk and back seat but the things huge.

Bedtime is going to get very interesting now.

Friday, August 8, 2014

8 Aug

So this is how it is. I am a wimp. I am. I'm only a week into life without Rob and i'm losing my mind. I have one kid. One. I don't work so there is nothing else expected from me other than to care for my child. There are mom's that do multiple rounds of months alone with multiple kiddo's. They don't divorce their husbands so i'm going to say they are making it through it. Mine's only gone for a few weeks and isn't in a danger zone. And I just have One kid. one one one.

I had such a bad morning of Mannix pulling at my shirt, constantly wanting to sit on my lap but not being in the best position no matter how many times he tried then he wanted this and wanted that and things i'd say no to. So then the licking, the hitting, the tantrums start flaring then the wanting to be held but not wanting to be held but being mad I let him down because he didn't want to be held when he did but really didn't. The hitting and torturing the animals. Trying to put his shoes on and crying because he can't do it right but smacking me if I try to help him or guide him but more tears and hollering because he can't figure it out. Lots of tears because I wouldn't give him the Wii U device. Not.Letting.Me.Breath. That's just a fraction of the things we go through daily. Some days are easier and his moods is as easy as a breeze and he tolerates a lot. Then there are most of hte days where he acts more and more like the independant (but not so independant but yet so independant) toddler he is.

Working out during his naps is getting harder and harder to stay motivated to even wanna do. I just want to curl up in my bed and read a book. I haven't even been knitting or crocheting. That's to much effort at this point in time. Moving my eyes through pages of a book..much more doable.

I've had Mc.Donalds and Culvers the last 2 days so that makes me feel as though i'm failing in attempts to miraculously become this sexy hot mamma for my husband when he gets back. He doesn't know of my wanna-be (but failing) goal of being that sexy hot Mamma.

I then feel stupid for being so petty about my issues that I want to remove myself from being at the ready to text or FB my issues to friends. They probably think i'm a freakin' whack job.

Why on earth is being a stay at home such a damn hard thing to do? I feel like I wasn't cut out for this job that feels like it shouldn't be as hard as it for me.

So today I feel like a wimp and failure. I am not the same strong person I was 4 or 5 years ago. I have completely forgotten about my ambition, drive, and stubborness in paving my way through life. Now I just hunker into my bed and read books and crochet.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

7 Aug

As always moods like yesterday usually don't last longer than a day. I think it was greatly from lack of sleep. Kiddo's teeth are hurting him and so now he's not sleeping well at night. I was just so damn exhausted and missed having my husband around to vent to.

I forced myself to a run and do 30 day shred despite tiredness and crabby mood. Today i'm sore from the shred but i'm going to try to do it again when he's down for the night. The power was out all day but we hung in town with a friend.

In other news, I think i'm going to be spitefull. For some reason a set of my neighbors thinks I peep from windows and watch their every moves. They are quite delusional but somehow it keeps coming back to me even though I Have curtains now. So you know what i'm gonna do for a week? Leave my damn curtains open. Fuck them. They are nuts. And i'm going to drive them more nuts.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

6 Aug

I'm having a bad morning. I over indulged in me time last night and stayed up till 11pm. I got a run in after dinner but i hurt my toe so no 30 day shred. Mannix woke up this morning at 4:30. He keeps waking up earlier and earlier no matter the time I lay him down and no matter how much we play hard the day earlier. This morning it brought me tears in frustration.

That and I don't hear from Rob. I pretty much rarely hear from him whenever he does TDY's or times away. I normally suck it up but this time I'm not working. I don't get out to socialize like I had in previous years when I was working regularly. Now, instead, i'm home with a toddler 24/7. I'm lucky if I get a little chat time with my friends via texts or facebook and maybe once a week if i'm lucky brief face to face interaction with them so the kids can play together. I understand his schooling is very time consuming for him but I feel like it's a hint of how our relationship is. He doesn't want to talk with me. He doesn't feel compelled to call me and say a few words before either of us falls asleep. He doesn't respond to texts or anything very much. Just breifly. Between School and trying to get a ride in between homework it makes me feel unimportant and makes me feel like i'm not a comfort for him. I think I cause stress for him. I guess i'm just to insecure these days and let this bother me so unnecessarily  and turn it around to be all about me. It's not uncharacteristic of him when on work trips so I can't act like it's something new or that it's something about me but I do. Thus is how my mornings starting. And we have ANOTHER god damn power outage all day tomorrow. I'm so fucking over those right now. This base is so shitty with it's power lines. 3 days the last month we've had no power.

 I wish I had good friends on this base but I don't. I feel alone and isolated today. I have pool time with one friend later today but if the kiddo's decide to nap through the hours it's open I won't get that either.

Today, I am losing my mind.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

3 Aug

I've been pretty consistent with work outs. I'm only on day 4 of the shred. There are some parts of it that are still tough work for me (mostly just the side squat arm lift, I didn't realize those parts of my arm muscles were that week). So far the 2 days on, 1 day off has spared seriously sore muscles. I figured since i'm running along with the workout this may help keep from injuring any muscles. I'm more so basing how I do it all by how I feel each day. If I feel up to doing both in one day then i'll do it. I'm at least trying to overlap both exercise at least once or twice in the week. With at least one solid day of doing nothing.

Since I have limited time to do the Shred workout I usually do that during Mannix's naptime. Then either in the morning after he's had breakfast or after he's had dinner in the evening i'll go running. I find running in the evening to be easier, perhaps because the suns not beating down making me feel 10x hotter. Today however I had plans during the day so I did my run in the morning, then got lazy during his nap after hanging out with a friend for brunch and park time. I pretty much forced myself to do the shred after he went to bed. Not so motivated for doing it in the evenings.

Once this 30 day thing is done i'm not quite sure what i'll do next. I don't want to give up the exercise so I may either continue doing it occasionally during the week or i'll try another of Jillians video's.

As far as results? I think it's to early to tell yet. I do notice the fat between my lady jugs and arm pits seems to be going away a little but The scale hasn't changed. That's no surprise and another reason i'm not using that as a gauge. Muscle weighs more than fat so initially you'll gain muscle before the fat really starts burning off. Plus I haven't really changed my eating habits to much. At least as far as the foods I eat. That's just to much restriction for me and that doesn't make me happy so i'm going to eat how I eat. However, I am munching much less and choosing more fruits over snack crackers/granola bars than I used and I eat smaller meal portions (unless i'm really hungry). I don't cook that unhealthy so I don't see my main meals being the issue. It's my snacking and portion sizes.

Maybe i'll post an updated pic after level 1 is done.

P.S. I still Bekk horribly. I still shed a tear at night because I miss her awesomeness. I still wish I knew what the fudge happened to her. It's so not fair not knowing.